separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
