i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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