How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
