Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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