3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
