Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
