as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
