Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
