I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
