There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
