I wish I could punch you in the face.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize