The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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