its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize