when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
