So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
