apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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