just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize