I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize