My room smells like vodka and shame
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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