it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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