see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize