I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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