I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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