the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
