I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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