After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
