This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
