its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
