Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
