On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
