i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
