Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
