At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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