Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
