Swine flu is the new snow day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
