fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
