Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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