Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
