i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
