i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
