Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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