Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
