He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize