So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
