My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
