it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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