I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
BRING THE BAGELS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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