did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
