I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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