cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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