weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
