waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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