i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
