you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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