I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
