I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
