They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
