I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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