yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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