just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
