you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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