I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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