I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
