Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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