Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
