my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
